A humorous take on Bangalore

gefunden bei http://francis.is-a-geek.com, ein Kanadier, der auch ein Weblog über Bangalore führt. Ich erkenne schon viele Punkte wieder...

1. Don't question why a 4-cycle (francis: 4-stroke) rickshaw with thick black smoke billowing out of its exhaust has a hand-painted sign that reads: "Do not pollut the air" (actual spelling)
2. When reading a headline like this in the newspaper, remember it is not a joke: "Rabid Monkey Attacking Unsuspecting Victims Buttocks: Neighborhood Fear Stricken and Afraid to Go Out"
3. When getting a Xerox copy of anything, you should expect a minimum of five people to be involved in the process: One person to load the paper, one person to manually count the paper as paper is fed through the copier, one person to press some random buttons on the copier, one person to figure out why the paper got jammed after previous person was pressing random buttons, one person to shout orders on what everyone is doing wrong (sometimes there may be a trainee who is learning how to press buttons).
4. Don’t complain that your spoon is not clean… the waiter will take the spoon and rub it on his shirt, which looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in two months, and hand it back to you expecting sincere gratitude.
5. Don’t pet stray dogs unless you want to wake up the next morning with 13 different diseases.
6. When you need something urgent done, be sure to follow the person everywhere he/she goes (even the bathroom) until it gets done.
7. When you tell someone that what you need is urgent, expect it to be placed in the “do when you feel like it” pile.
8. Don’t expect anyone to be at the office before 10:00am, between 1-3pm (lunch), between 4-5pm(tea time), or after 6pm(in the pub). Basically, most people work about two hours a day although they stay in the office for 12-14 hours.
9. Remember if you are served what you ordered within a reasonable amount of time, the waiter will expect a large tip. If you are served something else but still within a reasonable amount of time, the waiter will expect a large tip. If you are not served what you wanted and it took a very long time, the waiter will expect a large tip. Remember to thank them profusely if you are served at all.
10. It’s perfectly OK to mix up your conversation between Hindi and English. Expect everyone except you to understand what the person said. If everyone laughs, just laugh along.
11. Road signals and signs are merely decorative items with no useful purpose.
12. When someone says they will meet you promptly at 8:00pm, that means promptly at 9:30pm.
13. Remember talking on your cell phone while driving is illegal – however, it is perfectly OK to ride a scooter with your wife and three small kids dangling on the side.
14. When asking for directions, be sure to ask at least five people and take what the majority says – this is still not guarantee that you will find what you’re looking for.
15. A “Q” in India is just for decorative purposes – basically just find any available space and charge to the front – the person with the largest voice will be served first.
16. When someone says they are an expert in a particular skill (a software app for example), that means they have read about it somewhere.
17. Clean means no visible stains.
18. Dirty means you cannot recognize the original colour.
19. Don’t take a Bangalorean out of the city limits for longer than 24 hours – like a fish out of water, they will flounder around attempting to find air that is filled with carbon monoxide.
20. Expect to collect a minimum of 300 pieces of documents in order to apply for any kind of license.
21. Expect every roadside tout to be selling the same things, which are one of the following three items: hand towels, a cobra sticking out of a basket, or a perfectly useless miniature chess set.
22. Everyone in Bangalore owns the same T-shirt that reads: “I was born intelligent, but education ruined me.” Don’t worry, I don’t get it either.
23. When crossing the road, it is best to pretend you are blind if you want to make it across in one piece.
24. Remember, the guy with the afro selling trinkets on Brigade Road is not the real Sai Baba.
25. When the India cricket team is playing, for all practical purposes it is a national holiday – NEVER admit you don’t know the rules or find the game boring, unless you want to be deported.